(How Much is That) Doggie in the Window?

472. St. Winifred’s School Choir – There’s No One Quite Like Grandma (1980)

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The Intro

The shocking death of John Lennon in December 1980 saw the singles chart understandably awash with his material, old and new. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) was among them. And yet, this novelty song by St Winifred’s School Choir become Christmas number 1. Lennon’s murder proved the world could be an awful place. There’s No One Quite Like Grandma was the icing on this shit cake.

Before

St Winifred’s School Choir was formed at St Winifred’s Roman Catholic Primary School in Stockport in 1968. A local newspaper cutting from 1972 reveals that the choir first recorded that year, at 10cc’s local Strawberry Studios. Miss Olive Moore was their conductor, with Miss Terri Foley on guitar.

In 1978, the choir were selected to provide backing vocals on Brian and Michael’s Matchstalk Men and Matchstick Cats and Dogs (Lowry’s Song). Pupils sang The Big Ship Sails on the Alley-Alley-O as a counterpoint to the song’s chorus as it draws to a close. When the single became a surprise number 1, St Winifred’s School Choir got to appear on Top of the Pops. And that should have been the end of it.

The choir’s brush with fame (pun intended) saw them signed to EMI’s Music for Pleasure (MFP) in 1979. MFP was a budget label, often releasing cheap compilations or re-recordings of popular film and TV soundtracks. Popular with the older record buyer, and families, it was a natural home for St Winifred’s School Choir. Referred to as ‘The Matchstalk Children’ on the sleeve of their debut single, Bread and Fishes, the children were arranged in a circle – boys in blue, girls in pink – with Miss Foley (now credited as Chorus Master) strumming away next to Sister Aquinas – the ‘Management’. MFP were so cheap, the sleeve was reused for their debut LP, And the Children Sing – which featured covers of Any Dream Will Do and Mull of Kintyre.

In 1980, their second album, My Very Own Party Record, featured wall-to-wall bangers like If You’re Happy and You Know It and London Bridge. Most likely with one eye on the Christmas market, and remembering how well 1971 number 1 Grandad had performed, they chose There’s No One Quite Like Grandma.

Gorden Lorenz had been a travelling evangelist before turning to music, where he learned his way around the recording studio by writing music for Border Television to be used between their daytime shows. In 1980, Lorenz saw an opportunity to cash in on the Queen Mother’s 80th birthday. He wrote There’s No One Quite Like Grandma and sent a demo to EMI, despite not being convinced himself that it was any good. At first they turned it down. However, one day he received a call from the managing director, who said they couldn’t get the chorus out of my mind, and he suggested they put it out at Christmas. Using St Winifred’s School Choir, fresh from their Top of the Pops appearance, was an evil masterstroke, designed to tug at the heartstrings.

Review

There are no positives to mention when discussing There’s No One Quite Like Grandma. The worst number 1 in many years, and the worst festive chart-topper of the 80s, is an abomination, plain and simple.

It’s painful to listen to, with wretched production, and is an example of how shameless and cynical the music business could be and would become. That it kept Happy Xmas (War Is Over) and Stop the Cavalry from the Christmas number 1 spot makes it even more awful.

The lyrics are abysmal, and read like one of those awful poems you occasionally see on Angry People in Local Newspapers. The children singing on the record could probably create better rhymes than Lorenz did. Your honour, I give you:

‘There’s no one quite like Grandma,
She always has a smile,
She never hurries us along,
But stays a little while’

Worst of all is the lead vocal by Dawn Ralph. Of course, that’s not her fault, she was just a little girl with the kind of sickly sweet, short-tongued voice that fitted the bill perfectly. But without getting too personal, her performance on that Top of the Pops appearance above reminds me of the twin girls in The Shining. It gives me chills, and I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way.

Dreary, vapid and queasy, There’s No One Quite Like Grandma is a throwback to the novelty number 1s of the early years of the charts, such as Lita Roza’s (How Much Is) That Doggie in the Window?. 1980 was a bumper year for chart-toppers – 25 in fact. There’s No One Quite Like Grandma is easily the worst of the year and the earliest frontrunner for worst of the decade. On the plus, side, my youngest daughter asked me what I was writing about, so I showed her the clip, and she thought Ralph was singing ‘No-one fights like Grandma’. Now there’s an idea for a sequel.

After

St Winifred’s School Choir’s reign was mercifully short – lasting only a fortnight. Such was the magnitude of Lennon’s death, the end of the festive season saw his records ruling the roost again. But at least their Christmas number 1 helped to pay for new carpets and classroom facilities at the school.

Thankfully, St Winifred’s proved to be a one-hit wonder, though the choir continued recording albums until 1985’s 20 All-Time Children’s Favourites.

However, in 1986 came It’s ‘Orrible Being in Love (When You’re 8 ½), credited to Claire and Friends. Claire and her pals went to St Winifred’s, and the song was written by Mick Coleman and produced by Kevin Parrott, AKA Brian and Michael. St Winifred’s School Choir provided backing vocals, though they were uncredited. The single reached 13, and is no doubt also hard work, but because I was seven when it was released, I can’t help but have a soft spot for it. That’s nostalgia for you.

In 1990, St Winifred’s School Choir teamed up with Ziba Banafsheh to record the single A Better World, in aid of Mother Theresa of Calcutta’s charity. Three years later they were uncredited for their performance on Bill Tarmey’s (Coronation Street‘s Jack Duckworth) cover of Barry Manilow’s One Voice, produced by Mike Stock and Pete Waterman.

In 2009, 14 of the 1980 line-up teamed up to re-record There’s No One Quite Like Grandma, produced by drinks company Innocent in aid of Help the Aged and Age Concern.

The Outro

Among the choir responsible for the original There’s No One Quite Like Grandma were two who became actresses. Most famous is Sally Lindsay, who starred in Coronation Street as Shelley Unwin. The other, Jennifer Hennessy, starred in The Office and Doctor Who. Neither were involved in the remake, and nor was Ralph, who refuses to give interviews. Can’t blame her.

The Info

Written by

Gordon Lorenz

Producer

Peter Tattersall

Weeks at number 1

2 (27 December 1980-9 January 1981)

Trivia

6 January 1981: Novelist Andrew Britton

Deaths

27 December 1980: Golfer Eric Green/Golfer Arthur Havers
29 December: Jazz pianist Lennie Felix/Businessman John Wall, Baron Wall
31 December: Marxist philosopher Maurice Cornforth
2 January 1981: Actor Victor Carin
3 January: Princess Alice, Countess of Athlone
4 January: Royal Navy captain Gordon Charles Steele
5 January: Aircraft engineer Sir James Martin
6 January: Aristocrat Ernestine Bowes-Lyon/Scottish novelist AJ Cronin/Labour Party MP Tom Litterick
7 January: Broadcaster Alvar Lidell
9 January: Racing driver Sammy Davies/Scottish artist William MacTaggart

Meanwhile…

28 December 1980: The Independent Broadcasting Authority (IBA) awarded TV-am the first ever breakfast television contract.

2 January 1981: 34-year-old lorry driver Peter Sutcliffe, from Bradford, was arrested in Sheffield. After two days of questioning in Dewsbury, he admitted he was the serial killer known as the Yorkshire Ripper.

4 January 1981: British Leyland workers voted to accept a peace formula in the Longbridge plant strike.

5 January: Sutcliffe was charged with the murder of 13 women and attempted murder of seven more between 1975 and 1980.
Also on this day, the TV adaptation of Douglas Adam’s radio series The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy began on BBC Two, while Norman St John-Stevas departed the Conservative Party Cabinet, to be replaced by Leon Brittan and Norman Fowler.

7 January: A parcel bomb addressed to Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher was intercepted.

8 January: A terrorist bomb attack happens on the RAF base at Uxbridge.

    28. Rosemary Clooney with The Mellomen – Mambo Italiano (1955)

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    The Intro

    A lot of writers will tell you that sometimes their best work comes when they’re hard-pushed to meet a deadline. This is how Bob Merrill came up with Mambo Italiano. He was already a renowned hitmaker. Indeed, this became his fourth UK number 1, after She Wears Red Feathers, (How Much is That) Doggie in the Window? and Look at That Girl. Merrill was looking for a way to cash in on the craze for mambo music in New York in 1954, and considered Rosemary Clooney the best artist for the job. The problem was, he couldn’t think of a tune and he was running out of time, until one night he was eating in an Italian restaurant and it came to him. He quickly scribbled his idea on a napkin, rang the studio from the restaurant payphone and dictated the whole thing to producer Mitch Miller and the studio pianist.

    Before

    Whether this explains the fact the lyrics are often either lazy, stereotypical Italian (basically, any Italian word an American would have known, and some Spanish as well) or actual gibberish, I’m not sure. let’s face it, Merrill had written borderline offensive songs before (She Wears Red Feathers), and been very successful with it. In less enlightened times, who was going to stop him? He gets away with it on Mambo Italiano for two reasons. One, the tune is so catchy. Two, Rosemary Clooney’s performance.

    Review

    Clooney throws herself into the song completely, and does a very good impersonation of an Italian despite her Irish-American upbringing. This is in part due to the many Italian musicians she worked with. She’s the embodiment of the lusty temptress, and she even throws in some feral growling at times. It’s easily the sexiest number one yet. With this and This Ole House, that’s two good number 1s in a row from Clooney.

    Mambo Italiano has been covered many times since, with Dean Martin’s being probably the most notable. Martin was Italian-American and didn’t seem to have a problem with the song. In fact, neither did Italy, as it became popular there in 1956 thanks to a cover by Carla Boni. I guess as far as national stereotypes go, ‘those Italians are always horny and we like their food’ is one of the better ones.

    After

    Mambo Italiano knocked Dickie Valentine’s Finger of Suspicion off the top spot for a week, before Valentine took over again for another fortnight. A further two-week stint followed for Clooney, and then her time at number 1 was over.

    She continued to have television and music success for many years though, with two variety series in the US in 1956-57. She would often appear with Bing Crosby on TV too.

    Clooney would struggle throughout her life, suffering several nervous breakdowns, depression, prescription drug addiction, two divorces to actor José Ferrer and money problems.

    Unlike many stars from her era, she continued to record and act through the decades. In 1995 she appeared alongside her nephew George in US drama hit ER, which earned her an Emmy nomination.

    Clooney was a long-time smoker though, and despite surgery to remove lung cancer, she died on 29 June 2002, aged 74.

    The Outro

    Who were The Mellomen, who were credited alongside her on this track? They were a very popular singing quartet, that’s who. At this time they consisted of Thurl Ravenscroft (also the voice of Tony the Tiger, who helped out Clooney on This Ole House), Max Smith, Bill Lee and Bob Hamlin. They went under several guises through the years, and together, and separately, they recorded with Elvis Presley, Bing Crosby and Doris Day, as well as providing voices for Disney films including Alice in Wonderland (1951) and The Jungle Book (1967).

    The Info

    Written by

    Bob Merrill

    Producer

    Mitch Miller

    Weeks at number 1

    3 (14-20 January, 4-17 February)

    17. The Stargazers with Syd Dean & His Orchestra – I See the Moon (1954)

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    The Intro

    If Eddie Calvert’s nine-week run seems odd now, well, I See the Moon having a five-week stint, followed by a further week later on, is just staggering.

    Before

    I See the Moon was written by US playwright and composer Meredith Wilson, who later became best known for being the man behind hit Broadway musical The Music Man.

    Review

    This was the radio comedy group’s second of three number 1s. Broken Wings, was quite a staid, serious affair, but I’d always take that over this, unless I needed to torture someone.
    The actual song isn’t too bad, but the production and performance, full of self-consciously wacky noises that harm the ears, are nauseating. The only real selling point is that it offers a curious glimpse into what passed as comedy in 1954. The Stargazers, for some unfathomable reason, decide to sing as though they are pissed-up and tone deaf. Easily the worst number 1 so far.

    After

    Hard to believe now but for five weeks this was considered the best song in the country, until Doris Day toppled it with the more deserving Secret Love. Yet somehow I See the Moon went back to number 1 on 23 April. Strange days indeed.

    The Info

    Written by

    Meredith Wilson

    Producer

    Dick Rowe

    Weeks at number 1

    6 (12 March-15 April, 23-29 April)

    Trivia

    Births

    17 March: Actress Leslie Anne-Down

    Deaths

    26 March: Rugby union international James Peters

    Meanwhile…

    24 March: Following an eight-day trial, The Lord Montagu of Beaulieu, Peter Wildeblood and Michael Pitt-Rivers were convicted for ‘conspiracy to incite certain male persons to commit serious offences with male persons’. Sent to prison for being gay, basically. Montagu protested his innocence, and eventually public opinion turned in his favour, and his case is considered one of the main reasons for the reform of the law on homosexuality.

    12. Guy Mitchell – Look at That Girl (1953)

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    The Intro

    The majority of number 1 singles so far have been a bit on the serious side, with maudlin ballads often ruling the roost. Finally, after Frankie Laine’s I Believe‘s final three-week stint at the top (making a record-breaking total of 18), cheeky chap Guy Mitchell was back. Thankfully, this time he’s avoiding the slight racism of She Wears Red Feathers, too.

    Before

    Bob Merrill, one of the era’s chief hitmakers, totted up a third number 1 songwriting credit here, after also being responsible for Mitchell’s She Wears Red Feathers and Lita Roza’s (How Much is) That Doggie in the Window?. With producing supremo Mitch Mitchell also back on board, Look at That Girl went to number 1 on 11 September and stayed there for an impressive six weeks.

    Review

    https://youtu.be/aE2mb_Lo9aY

    Less impressive is the song itself. Yes, finally something a bit more light-hearted, but despite the bounciness of the tune and Mitchell giving it his all, it’s easily forgotten. A few things are of note though. Firstly, the lyrics are almost saucy, certainly if you compare them to previous number ones, although that’s not saying much.

    ‘Look at that girl, you see what I see
    Oh look at that girl, she’s walking straight to me
    That’s right, last night I held her tight
    Ho ho it happens all the time
    I look at that girl, and I can’t believe she’s mine’

    Mitchell, you dirty dog! This is explicit, by 1953 standards. Also, Look at That Girl features two elements that would become pop staples in years to come, and haven’t featured in number ones yet. Handclaps! And, best of all, a guitar solo!

    After

    Obvious ingredients to pop tunes yet they sounded almost shocking when I first heard this, after what had come before. It was an unusual piece for Mitchell as well, who was more used to performing novelty songs. Just like She Wears Red Feathers, Look at That Girl was also more successful in the UK than the US. It didn’t even chart there, and it marked the end of the success for Mitchell, Merrill and Miller as a trio together. With names like that, perhaps they should have become a law firm.

    The Info

    Written by

    Bob Merrill

    Producer

    Mitch Miller

    Weeks at number 1

    6 (11 September-22 October)

    Trivia

    Births

    12 October: Comedian Les Dennis
    21 October: Labour MP Peter Mandelson

    Deaths

    30 September: Physicist Lewis Fry Richardson

    Meanwhile…

    26 September: The government had sweet news when they ended post-war sugar rationing. Slowly, but surely, the UK was sweeping off the post-war malaise.

    8. Lita Roza – (How Much is) That Doggie in the Window? (1953)

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    The Intro

    Here’s one we all know. (How Much is) That Doggie in the Window? is known to most as a timeless nursery rhyme rather than a chart-topper. It is about as far removed from a modern number 1 as it’s possible to get, but children of every generation since have grown up with it and loved it, including my own daughters.

    Before

    (How Much is) That Doggie in the Window? was written by Bob Merrill, author of the tacky She Wears Red Feathers, number 1 by Guy Mitchell a month previously. Loosely based on a folk song called Carnival of Venice, an earlier version, The Doggie in the Window, sung by one of the most famous singers of the 50s, Patti Page, is still the most well-known, and hit number 1 on the Billboard charts in the US, selling millions. But it didn’t make it to number one in the UK. Enter Lita Roza.

    Roza, born Lilian Patricia Lita Roza on 14 March 1926, hailed from Liverpool. She credited her passion for music to her father, an accordionist and pianist. He was of Filipino ancestry, which is where Roza’s sultry looks originated too.

    Her desire to make it in show business was with her as a child. Aged 12 she became a dancer, at 15 she was working with a comedian, and she first became a singer a year later. Roza signed up with The Harry Roy Orchestra in London but by the time she was 18 she had quit and moved to America with her new husband. The marriage was short-lived and shortly after World War Two she returned to the UK.

    Roza became a singer with The Ted Heath Jazz Band and juggled this with a burgeoning solo career. She regularly topped polls in Melody Maker and the New Musical Express for best female singer.

    A creditable artist, she didn’t want to record a novelty record, but her A&R, Dick Rowe, nagged her until she relented. However, she insisted on singing it in only one take, and refused to ever perform it live. Roza claimed in a 2004 interview that she kept her word, and so she began a long tradition of artists who hate the song they become best known for. Nonetheless, it immortalised her as the first UK solo act to become number 1.

    Review

    Listening to her cover alongside Patti Page’s (not something I can see myself doing more than once), I prefer Roza’s, as she sings with much less affectation than Page. Despite overfamiliarity (in a strange way, as how often have I heard it as an adult?), I can’t help but like this.

    After

    She remained popular until rock’n’roll took off, when she moved into TV work, and also appeared in the Eurovision Song Contest heats from 1957, 1959 and 1960.

    However, Roza clearly had some affection or appreciation of (How Much is) That Doggie in the Window? as when she died she left £300,000 in her will to charities. £190,000 of this went to dog-related charities: Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, The Guide Dogs for the Blind Association and The Cinnamon Trust.

    The Outro

    She passed away on 14 August 2008, aged 82.

    The Info

    Written by

    Bob Merrill

    Producer

    Dick Rowe

    Weeks at number 1

    1 (17-23 April)

    Trivia

    Births

    20 April: Novelist Sebastian Faulks