The Intro

In a year with a distinct lack of quality number 1s so far, Canadian one-hit wonder JJ Barrie’s cover of the song No Charge is exceptionally awful. It is dreck. It is mawkish. It is the drizzling shits.

Before

Research on Barrie, born Barry Authors on 7 July 1933 in Oshawa, Ontario, doesn’t bring up a great deal. He must have lived in the UK as in the 60s he became the manager of legendary comedian Norman Wisdom and then later Blue Mink, the pop group behind 1969 hit Melting Pot. He also dabbled in stand-up comedy too. Then in 1976 he decided to turn his hand to songwriting, penning Where’s the Reason with Terry Britten for Glen Campbell.

Barrie and Britten sent a demo to Campbell’s producer but he turned it down and suggested Barrie perform it himself. This he did, but it made no impact. However, with his own label Power Station to release records on, Barrie decided to try again and this time he went with a tried and tested country hit, No Charge.

Written by veteran country songwriter Harlan Howard, No Charge is a slushy ballad in which a boy hands his mother a list of charges for completed chores. He’s mowed the lawn, made his bed, gone to the store, played with his little brother while she went shopping, took out the trash, had a good report card from school and raked the yard. After being asked to give him $14.75 she takes the receipt, turns it over and writes a list of things she has done for him. She lays it on very thick, pointing out how she carried him for nine months, has worried through sleepless nights, prayed, cried, imparted wisdom, bought toys, food and clothes, and wiped snot from his nose. And, like every mother, all done for nothing, because it was all done for love, so no charge. The boy learns his lesson and with tears in his eyes, he takes the pen and receipt and adds PAID IN FULL. Awwwwww. Pass me a bucket.

The original version was performed by Melba Montgomery, who was known in the 60s for her duets with George Jones, Gene Pitney and Charlie Louvin. She went solo in the 70s but wasn’t faring too well until Howard suggested No Charge. Country music fans loved this sentimental life lesson and took it to number 1 on the Billboard country chart in the US and Canada.

Review

It is well documented on this site that I’m not much of a fan of country music and I’m not a fan of spoken word moments in songs. There are of course exceptions to these rules, but definitely not in this case, which combines the two to disgusting effect. Barrie drawls his way through the song, playing the father watching the soppy scene unfold before him. He does so over a standard MOR country backing produced by Canadian philanthropist, singer-songwriter and film-maker Bill (later Barbra) Amesbury, with Clem Cattini playing the drums on one of his 45 chart-toppers.

Wailing away in the background is an uncredited Vicki Brown, wife of 60s cockney pop star Joe Brown. It’s mixed strangely, with Barrie way too high in the mix, and Brown too low. Although in this case it’s actually a blessing, as, no offence to the late singer, as she was only doing a job, but my God her performance is laid on thick.

Why? Just why? I cannot get my head around this being a hit, let alone a number 1. Barrie wasn’t a celebrity, which is what I assumed when I first saw this on Top of the Pops. I noticed while researching that Mother’s Day was a month before it topped the charts, so perhaps dads were buying it for their wives in a gesture of solidarity, or were the mums buying it to lord it over their kids and save money on paying them for doing jobs? Whatever the reason, ‘when you add it all up’, to quote the song, No Charge is really, really bad. I can’t criticise it enough.

After

Billy Connolly saw something worth spoofing and later that year his version, No Chance (No Charge) was a hit. Though considering how poor his number 1, D.I.V.O.R.C.E. was, it’s a bit rich. Barrie released a handful of further singles that all bombed and in late 1977 Power Station closed down. He returned to Canada to get involved with music publishing and management once more. Then in 1980 he came back to the UK to make a football-themed single, You Can’t Win ‘Em All. This is strange and unnecessary in itself, but it gets weirder. For some reason controversial Nottingham Forest manager Brian Clough was roped in to occasionally interject, at times sounding like he’s about to hit someone. Very odd. And his career got even weirder. In 1984 he released the LP Sings Songs from Fraggle Rock. On which he did exactly what it says on the tin. No idea why, other than to cash in on a popular children’s show at the time.

The Outro

Barrie lives in Canada, working as film writer and producer. Only two more albums have been released since 1984 – No Charge in 1999 and My Canada in 2017.

The Info

Written by

Harlan Howard

Producer

Bill Amesbury

Weeks at number 1

1 (5-11 June)

Trivia

Births

6 June: Comedian Ross Noble/Skateboarder Geoff Rowley

Deaths

6 June: Athlete David Jacobs
9 June: Actress Sybil Thorndike
11 June: Rower Amy Gentry